It has been 2 years 9 days since i first started my dialysis. Can't really relay my feelings for this 2 years. I have been through denial to acceptance to adaptance and finally hope and belief that Miracles will happen. It was hard in the beginning, struggling with leg cramps and restricted food & water intake. Now i have grown used to the limitation, how to cope with dialysis & the changes occuring with my body. This is scary as well coz i'm afriad that i'll slowly forget the feeling of being healthy and normal.
10 June 2009
Went to MEH to see Dr Pary. I had hope that he will give me good news that my kidneys still have hope and that miracle will happen and i will recover. However, he gave me the same answer as every doctor. Kidney is non-reversible and the only alternative for me is transplant. Although it is not the first time i heard this, my heart sinks when i hear this.
Dr Pary is the last hope i pinned on before slapping myself back to reality. I told myself when i started on dialysis that i am only going to give myself 2 years for miracle to happen and recover. But it has not happened. I saw the recent blood test results when Dr Roger Tan came the next day and there is not much improvement on the creatinine level. I could feel another round of cold water splashing on me. Double slap in the face!! Maybe its time that i should really plan for transplantation and not wait any longer. I really hope to get back to a normal and healthy life again.
但是真的恨不甘心, i have been learning qigong since Feb this year and i feel that it has helped me a lot in overall health. To be exact, today is the 121 days since i started. Am i too impatient? Afterall only 4 months since i started. The goal i set for myself is to recover in 6 months. There are evidence of people who have recovered before from cancer and other chronic problems by practing Qigong. I had believed that i will be one of them. But seeing no improvements in my creatininine level make me question myself. Dilemma now, dunno how i should proceed...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
12 May 2009
Wow, time flies when you are not thinking of it. Now is May 2009. Two months has passed since my last update. Life goes on as usual but i'm just too busy or lazy to write my blog...
11 May 2009: A day that i will remember for some time. Yesterday 3 of my candidates start work with my client. Wow! Never been so lucky before. I bought 4D (ibet) on 1105, dunno whether will strike or not, waiting for wednesday. Also, on 11 May, i went to SGH for my Angioplasty surgery (ballooning) on the hand to broadened up the vein for dialysis as the dialysis centre say there is stenosis (whatever). Its painful during the surgery, my hand feel like elephant hand when the surgeon is pushing and inserting the balloon, dunno how he do it, cannot see but can feel. The whole surgery last for 2 hours. I'm blessed ! Only one balloon is needed. Hopefully dialysis can be more smooth and clearance can be better in future.
9 May 2009: Vesak Day. My first Vesak day as a Buddhist. Went to Telok Kurau 三宝堂 and a temple in Geylang with 三婶. Experience the procedure of 浴佛.
I've been practicing Qigong for abt 3 months now. Seems so long already but only 3 months. Feel better mentally and overall. Very fancinated with Qigong and mediation at the moment, i will go and find some books and read up more abt it. Recent blood test is not out yet, dunno how is it. As shifu says, "Don't think about it, it will happen."
11 May 2009: A day that i will remember for some time. Yesterday 3 of my candidates start work with my client. Wow! Never been so lucky before. I bought 4D (ibet) on 1105, dunno whether will strike or not, waiting for wednesday. Also, on 11 May, i went to SGH for my Angioplasty surgery (ballooning) on the hand to broadened up the vein for dialysis as the dialysis centre say there is stenosis (whatever). Its painful during the surgery, my hand feel like elephant hand when the surgeon is pushing and inserting the balloon, dunno how he do it, cannot see but can feel. The whole surgery last for 2 hours. I'm blessed ! Only one balloon is needed. Hopefully dialysis can be more smooth and clearance can be better in future.
9 May 2009: Vesak Day. My first Vesak day as a Buddhist. Went to Telok Kurau 三宝堂 and a temple in Geylang with 三婶. Experience the procedure of 浴佛.
I've been practicing Qigong for abt 3 months now. Seems so long already but only 3 months. Feel better mentally and overall. Very fancinated with Qigong and mediation at the moment, i will go and find some books and read up more abt it. Recent blood test is not out yet, dunno how is it. As shifu says, "Don't think about it, it will happen."
Friday, March 20, 2009
Why Worry
21 March 2009
At this period, business has not been very good for us due to the Economic recession. This recession is quite scary... Besides seeing people and contacts being retrenched, we also saw companies freezing headcounts and not being able to recruit. Even if some are still recruiting, its an Employer's market now. However there are still some people who don't realized the impact of the economic downturn and still behave irresponsible or not commited to work requirements or some who still think that its ok to resign and find another new job easily. My advice to these people is: Wise up ! The number of orders coming in can be easily counted with five or less fingers. And these orders are so hard to fill as the selection process is so high nowadays.
As i told Lily, sometimes we are like working in a stock market, one minute high hope and another minute, the hope is dashed by some reasons. Lily also said something which her ex-colleague told her before. Doing sales is like giving birth to a baby. You have to make sure that the baby is well developed for birth. And its not the end after birth, you still have to feed it and nurture it to growth. Well, our line in recruitment is the same. Not only must we send candidates for interview, make sure that the job fit is there. And on confirmation and selected, we must do regular follow-up to check that he/she is ok with job or help in any problem that he/she has. Sometimes, feedback and problems come from clients and we must help to resolve it.
I think i'm beginning to enjoy my job... In this job, i get to meet with different people and things that i never believed exists before. Some though frustrating makes you want to laugh at its absurdity. Trained my patience and tolerance as well. I also loved the flexibility that my boss offers me.
I have also started learning Qigong since 13 Feb 2009. After practicing for a few weeks, i find that it is really good for my overall health and well-being. I'm hopeful and positive that it could cure me of my kidney failure. Cross my fingers? Its a chance and i'm willing to give it a try. Afterall, its my last alternative before deciding to go for transplant. Transplant also had its side effects, why not try to heal by myself. Life is funny, within 2 years, it seems that life had turned so differently for me. In the past, i will never thought that i will want to pick up Qigong - a slow exercise that seems to suit only old people.
Just completed a book titled "Why Worry". Its a very good book and teaches people to live life w/o stress and worry. Somehow, reading this book helps me a lot. At this juncture, life though filled with uncertainties and difficulties seems to be happier for me now. Haha...
At this period, business has not been very good for us due to the Economic recession. This recession is quite scary... Besides seeing people and contacts being retrenched, we also saw companies freezing headcounts and not being able to recruit. Even if some are still recruiting, its an Employer's market now. However there are still some people who don't realized the impact of the economic downturn and still behave irresponsible or not commited to work requirements or some who still think that its ok to resign and find another new job easily. My advice to these people is: Wise up ! The number of orders coming in can be easily counted with five or less fingers. And these orders are so hard to fill as the selection process is so high nowadays.
As i told Lily, sometimes we are like working in a stock market, one minute high hope and another minute, the hope is dashed by some reasons. Lily also said something which her ex-colleague told her before. Doing sales is like giving birth to a baby. You have to make sure that the baby is well developed for birth. And its not the end after birth, you still have to feed it and nurture it to growth. Well, our line in recruitment is the same. Not only must we send candidates for interview, make sure that the job fit is there. And on confirmation and selected, we must do regular follow-up to check that he/she is ok with job or help in any problem that he/she has. Sometimes, feedback and problems come from clients and we must help to resolve it.
I think i'm beginning to enjoy my job... In this job, i get to meet with different people and things that i never believed exists before. Some though frustrating makes you want to laugh at its absurdity. Trained my patience and tolerance as well. I also loved the flexibility that my boss offers me.
I have also started learning Qigong since 13 Feb 2009. After practicing for a few weeks, i find that it is really good for my overall health and well-being. I'm hopeful and positive that it could cure me of my kidney failure. Cross my fingers? Its a chance and i'm willing to give it a try. Afterall, its my last alternative before deciding to go for transplant. Transplant also had its side effects, why not try to heal by myself. Life is funny, within 2 years, it seems that life had turned so differently for me. In the past, i will never thought that i will want to pick up Qigong - a slow exercise that seems to suit only old people.
Just completed a book titled "Why Worry". Its a very good book and teaches people to live life w/o stress and worry. Somehow, reading this book helps me a lot. At this juncture, life though filled with uncertainties and difficulties seems to be happier for me now. Haha...
Friday, February 6, 2009
6 Feb 2009
Lunar New Year comes and goes in a flash.
This year, CNY has been quite rewarding for me, though its the same as previous years, going visiting to relatives house but i guess the different thing is that i treasure the ties and relationships with family & relatives more. After my Kidney illness, relatives & friends have shown me care and concern which deeply moves me. Life may be tough but knowing there are people who cares and support me gave me courage and pushes me on.
Stepping into the year of Ox somehow gave me strength and positiveness like the Ox. I somehow feel that this year will be better. Haha... maybe because i'm born in the Year of Monkey and this year is good for monkeys.
After all the indulging in new year goodies last week, i should start to cut down and watch my diet. Gan ba teh!!
This year, CNY has been quite rewarding for me, though its the same as previous years, going visiting to relatives house but i guess the different thing is that i treasure the ties and relationships with family & relatives more. After my Kidney illness, relatives & friends have shown me care and concern which deeply moves me. Life may be tough but knowing there are people who cares and support me gave me courage and pushes me on.
Stepping into the year of Ox somehow gave me strength and positiveness like the Ox. I somehow feel that this year will be better. Haha... maybe because i'm born in the Year of Monkey and this year is good for monkeys.
After all the indulging in new year goodies last week, i should start to cut down and watch my diet. Gan ba teh!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Arranging flowers for CNY 2009 (Year of the Ox)
Yesterday i went to the tanjong pagar market and bought flowers with the intention to arrange for CNY. Alas, so many flowers and hard to choose which one and how many to buy. I spent a long time at the market, then i saw one of the pre-arranged flowers with red and yellow chrysantheman. Ok, decided i will buy Yellow round chrysantheman with red carnations. The combination shld be quite nice. But how many to get?? Since i've learnt floral arrangement till now, i have not been putting to practice. This is the ist time that i'm doing it alone without the teacher's assistance. I tried to recall what the teacher had teach us bef and deciding what type of shape shld i arrange. But i have no clue at all !! Ok, just go according to feel, i finally decided. Anyway, if the flowers are nice, anyhow also will be nice. I finally chose all my florals and 2 "Kai Yun Zhu", total adding up to $25. Wow, didn't expect that the flowers can be so expensive, and i didn't actually choose a lot.
Today is the arranging day... I went to market with mum early in the morning to buy all the CNY food. Upon reaching home, i prepare myself to do the arrangements. After pondering the whole night esterday, i still can't figure out what arrangements to do. Again, go accordingto feel. I realized my flowers were not really enough and one of the leafs that the floral shop sold me has signs of decay (not very nice). Oh no ! Short of leaves and flowers. After spending abt 2 hours on it, the above is the outcome. I'm glad it didn't come out too bad. Well well, its a good start. Haha. Happy Ox year.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
2009 - New Year, New Hope
2008 has passed us in a blink. New year, new hope, new resolutions... But wait have i achieved all my resolutions for 2008? Yes, proud to say i have except for those uncontrollable events. Oh yeah, Joyce gave us a day off on new year eve and i went to ikea to buy my writing table, something that i have wanted since beginning of 2008. Finally got it at the last day of the year. Another thing to mention which i'm grateful for is i have finally managed to change Dr Tan Han Khim for Dr Roger Tan. Thank godness. Dr Roger Tan is 3-4 better than that irresponsible HK Tan.
Was supposed to come out with my new year resolutions earlier but only had time to sit down and think abt it yesterday. Yes, i really need to think and plan. My new year resolution is to recover and to go without dialysis, i.e transplantation. I guess i'm tired of all the dialysis and needles poking in and out of me. I used to be able to see the nurses putting needles into me but now i don't know whether its fear or what, i don't dare or don't want to look anymore. And the 3 times per week schedule is affecting my personal time and family time. Sometimes i will be thinking how much longer do i have to go thru this or shld i put a stop and get a new beginning? The second alternative is to action and do something abt it rather than waiting. Yes, i want to be healthy and normal again. I can't let my life go pass just like that. I remembered what one of the dialysis uncle once said before: "If one can live till 100 years old, i have aleady lived more than half of my life, i don't know how much longer i can still live?" What he said strike a cord in me. If one can live till 100 yrs old, i have only lived one third of my life. I still have a long way thru.
Was supposed to come out with my new year resolutions earlier but only had time to sit down and think abt it yesterday. Yes, i really need to think and plan. My new year resolution is to recover and to go without dialysis, i.e transplantation. I guess i'm tired of all the dialysis and needles poking in and out of me. I used to be able to see the nurses putting needles into me but now i don't know whether its fear or what, i don't dare or don't want to look anymore. And the 3 times per week schedule is affecting my personal time and family time. Sometimes i will be thinking how much longer do i have to go thru this or shld i put a stop and get a new beginning? The second alternative is to action and do something abt it rather than waiting. Yes, i want to be healthy and normal again. I can't let my life go pass just like that. I remembered what one of the dialysis uncle once said before: "If one can live till 100 years old, i have aleady lived more than half of my life, i don't know how much longer i can still live?" What he said strike a cord in me. If one can live till 100 yrs old, i have only lived one third of my life. I still have a long way thru.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Potassium level high again
8 Nov 2008
Yesterday i got up early and went to SGH to do my routine blood test. I was actually quite looking forward to my lunch cum breakfast after completing the blood test as i had to starve the night for the cholesterol test. I have been controlling my diet for the entire week and looking forward to a good lunch and maybe a bit of sinful food...
"人重是会向往得不到的东西， 这一点也没错。以前不会有craving 的东西，先在因为 most of the time 需要 control, 所以更会想吃。我觉得不是真的想吃， 而是要满足一钟欲望。"
After blood test, i went for my meal at Amara foodcourt. It was already 11.45am. Initially wanted to give myself a treat at Burger King but decided against it. I went to the foodcourt at Amara and ordered Yong Tau Hu. I remembered something which Auntie Yi May said: "sometimes eating out also dunno what to eat." Its true... now i will always go for either fish soup, mee hoon kway, mixed vege rice or yong tau hu (the rest of the food in the foodcourt either dun appeal to me anymore).
3.30pm : I was halway thru my work when SGH nurse called me. Shit ! I'm quite confident and thought my blood results were alright this time round. But she said my potassium results were high and told me to go back to take the medication to lower my potassium. I was initially in quite a happy mood but on hearing that, my heart dropped. Why?? My potassium haven't been high for a long time, what did i eat recently? I tot i have been controlling quite well these 2 weeks bef the blood test. Sianz... what is wrong? I went back and look at my food diary but really couldn't figure out what is wrong. I didn't take high potassium food these few days, why is the potassium level high? I give up trying to figure out !!
Just hope that the other test results were ok when i go collect the report from the doctor next week.
Yesterday i got up early and went to SGH to do my routine blood test. I was actually quite looking forward to my lunch cum breakfast after completing the blood test as i had to starve the night for the cholesterol test. I have been controlling my diet for the entire week and looking forward to a good lunch and maybe a bit of sinful food...
"人重是会向往得不到的东西， 这一点也没错。以前不会有craving 的东西，先在因为 most of the time 需要 control, 所以更会想吃。我觉得不是真的想吃， 而是要满足一钟欲望。"
After blood test, i went for my meal at Amara foodcourt. It was already 11.45am. Initially wanted to give myself a treat at Burger King but decided against it. I went to the foodcourt at Amara and ordered Yong Tau Hu. I remembered something which Auntie Yi May said: "sometimes eating out also dunno what to eat." Its true... now i will always go for either fish soup, mee hoon kway, mixed vege rice or yong tau hu (the rest of the food in the foodcourt either dun appeal to me anymore).
3.30pm : I was halway thru my work when SGH nurse called me. Shit ! I'm quite confident and thought my blood results were alright this time round. But she said my potassium results were high and told me to go back to take the medication to lower my potassium. I was initially in quite a happy mood but on hearing that, my heart dropped. Why?? My potassium haven't been high for a long time, what did i eat recently? I tot i have been controlling quite well these 2 weeks bef the blood test. Sianz... what is wrong? I went back and look at my food diary but really couldn't figure out what is wrong. I didn't take high potassium food these few days, why is the potassium level high? I give up trying to figure out !!
Just hope that the other test results were ok when i go collect the report from the doctor next week.
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